Stuck in life

Today is my wedding anniversary.  It's the hardest day of the year.  I was married on July 7, 1977 at 7:00pm.  It was a glorious night.  A warm summer night full of love and promise.  Last year I went to the beach alone and mourned the loss of my husband.  This year, I feel numb and resigned to the fact that he is not here, but my love and celebration of today is still alive.  How can that be?  In the months right after Michael died, I read several books on grief.  Grief "experts" said that we still have a relationship with the person who has died.  I was so confused over this.  I couldn't understand how in the world anyone can have a relationship with a person who has died. And now, I am beginning to understand this a little differently.  A relationship has so many different levels, and the relationship with a person who has died remains unchanged through the rest of the living person's life.  It is like a hologram, it can be moved and played over and over again, but only the same figures show up.  My wedding anniversary remains in 2011, the last time we smiled at each other and went to the garden store to buy mulch.  We picked out a pretty blue planter to commemorate the date.  I still have it filled with life.